well… it’s… pretty certain that I’m dropping out of Hamline

it’s honestly the last thing I want to do

but everything is conditional on Eric

if I still had everything, everyone, if I still got to sleep cook eat shower etc. at Boy House and everyone still adored me just as much

except Eric

if he continued to be overjoyed about my absence, fucked all the sluts

I would remain inconsolable. 

There’s a next to impossible chance that he might decide to change his mind, get his shit together and hash this out with me.  Even knowing its near impossibility, I am clinging to that for dear life.  I will keep the phone lines open and cling to it until I die.

But that, frightened as I was, was actual happiness that I felt.  Yes, I was spoiled and maybe ungrateful and maybe all of the things a person shouldn’t be, but if I was asked to change my behaviour for the sake of holding on to that one place that has made me happy like no other for two years or maybe even my whole life, I would have.  I still would.  I would still do anything, absolutely anything, to have that back and to make it better. 

Under these circumstances, however, I wouldn’t be able to wean myself from dependence on that place, even if I was to a degree permitted to.  I know and everyone knows that while it will make me FEEL better, in the long run I can’t just be the dependent.  It must be interdependence and I can’t cultivate much to offer when I am trying to recover from having everything taken away from me.

I know dropping out is the only thing I can do, but I wish I didn’t have to, I wish none of this was happening and I wish anyone understood that I had what I wanted and for all of its flaws, I still want it and I’m not settling for anything else.