Cut for possible irrelevancy to you, but if you have spare time on your hands and are willing to help me out, please read this.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen to me. 

But no matter where I end up, if I am expected to live through this, I am going to need a lot of help. 

Distractions and keeping busy don’t help if they’re just that.

I have had my entire self taken away from me, and I am in over my head. 

I know you all have lives and priorities beyond me.  I know how tiring it is to deal with people who constantly need your attention.  And I know that it’s discouraging to not see any results when you do pay attention to them.

This, if it happens, will take years.  Decades.  I’ve been wondering if I’ve really recovered from anything in the last two years. It may not even work in the end.

I have had too much taken away from me to trust that people are really there for me if only I reach out to them.  I can’t do that anymore.  When the person I placed the most trust in barred me from himself, I lost more than I can express in characters, and I lost my ability to be resourceful.  I can no longer reach on my own what is available to me.

My point really is, I need your help.  Distractions alone may not be useful, but they are the only things that can be used.  Unfortunately, most of you are very far away, so it’s kind of hard to facilitate anything that would make me feel less alone.

But if you ever, at any point, have something you want to talk to me about or something that you want me to talk to you about, or a little game that you want to play or something or anything I can do WITH you, anything that I do not have to decide on but still have options with [that was a bad description here are some bad examples but i.e. you want to talk about things that aren’t me, you will have to drive the conversation OR you ask me about something I know a lot about].
I will, hopefully, eventually, IMMENSELY appreciate your company and your effort and your time. 

I’m still going to be terrified of everything, everything still does remind me of Eric and probably will for a very long time

but I just

this is so disjointed I don’t exactly know what I’m doing

just please, if you can

reach out to me, spend time with me, check in on me,

[sobbing break]

I need something to counteract being dismissed so effortlessly.  When the most important person in my life does that to me, it takes everyone else in my life to counteract that.