my mother just spent ten minutes screaming at me to “get a positive attitude or else”
why the fuck did i pass out before i could kill myself last night
Cosmonaut || Relationship of Command
(Source: at-the-volta, via sammle)
well… it’s… pretty certain that I’m dropping out of Hamline
it’s honestly the last thing I want to do
but everything is conditional on Eric
if I still had everything, everyone, if I still got to sleep cook eat shower etc. at Boy House and everyone still adored me just as much
except Eric
if he continued to be overjoyed about my absence, fucked all the sluts
I would remain inconsolable.
There’s a next to impossible chance that he might decide to change his mind, get his shit together and hash this out with me. Even knowing its near impossibility, I am clinging to that for dear life. I will keep the phone lines open and cling to it until I die.
But that, frightened as I was, was actual happiness that I felt. Yes, I was spoiled and maybe ungrateful and maybe all of the things a person shouldn’t be, but if I was asked to change my behaviour for the sake of holding on to that one place that has made me happy like no other for two years or maybe even my whole life, I would have. I still would. I would still do anything, absolutely anything, to have that back and to make it better.
Under these circumstances, however, I wouldn’t be able to wean myself from dependence on that place, even if I was to a degree permitted to. I know and everyone knows that while it will make me FEEL better, in the long run I can’t just be the dependent. It must be interdependence and I can’t cultivate much to offer when I am trying to recover from having everything taken away from me.
I know dropping out is the only thing I can do, but I wish I didn’t have to, I wish none of this was happening and I wish anyone understood that I had what I wanted and for all of its flaws, I still want it and I’m not settling for anything else.
Cut for possible irrelevancy to you, but if you have spare time on your hands and are willing to help me out, please read this.
i need to not be forgotten and useless and unimportant and i need to be there at least sometimes i need to not think about the times of day we’d normally be doing things, i need to DO those things, watch Adventure Time after i come home from the airport tomorrow but i won’t stay more than a night until friday unless you ask me to i PROMISE i will memorize the sonnet and i will get into Twelfth Night and go to all of my classes and do really well in them and eat in the dining hall once a day and i will be better friends with Girl House and Shalee and everyone
but if i can’t have that then there isn’t anything
i just wanted that
i’m done
i can only keep my promises
i can only do anything
if i’m useful
if i’m important
if i’m safe
if i’m not alone
please please please let me stay somewhere safe i
can’t
i need Eric or if i can’t be safe there i need to be somewhere safe
please please please someone i can’t do this call the police or poison control or Hamline and tell them to give my parents the money back or a really good therapist or Eric because if I don’t end up throwing up my intestines by tomorrow i’ll end up jumping oiff a four story building when i get there i can’t do this please take me seriously
whatever time to get drunk at nine in the morning
god fucking dammit i managed to do zero of the things i was supposed to last night i was too drunk to kill myself or even finish the fucking trailer park boys movie? and i wake up and it’s light about and now i have to complain about the daylight i just did not want to die when the sun was out that’s just ugh
— unknon patron saint of rapping
rhe orpvlem is that i become iufifnite ly more socuable when druk an that is sat ry and mooitetnioally dangerous ffuc k where ar the se kets what ware are th else witres doung here what wiis workds GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CN I HAVE MY LIFE BACK YET TIR WHAT WYOU FUCJUBG GASSHOLES GE HSTIIL HAS MY GAMR OG THTRONES DVDS THAT IFARERTED ON HIM WHILE WTCHING AND HE TOTALLY SISN:T DFUCKING CAR E HE CANNED NE A DAMN TARGARIAN WHILE PLACGING ALL HIS FRIENDS INO HOUSES BEATUFIL FGIUKING EBEARST GOD I LOVE GIM THE LITTLE HUNDREATEYFUL SHIT
also everyone in the aboove cayterfgory who fucking said “yeah you’l be fine”
i won’t
shit dick
i lost the only thing that mattered to me enough to make everything i didn’t want to do for other people worth doing
you’re white middle class heterosexual cisgendered able bodied and minded males so you’d never have to depend on another fuking person so guess what YOU DON’T ACTUALLT UNDERSTAND
YOU DON;T
YOU ACTUALLU DON”T REALMTY N+KNOW A OT OF THINGS SO FUCKIN YOU
AISIDE FROM AS A SEX OBJCT YOU WON”T FUCKING CARE IF I DIE
VERY ONE GOOD PERSON KILL YOURSELVES LET’S ASEE HOW QUICKLY THEY FIL FRIOMM OUR AFTELRLIFE JAIL PARTY
Eric you’l be p there with us we’re going to do what we said and stilll crawl ito bed with one another anyways
if there’s an afterlife i want it to be eternal spooning with yiy even if i have to be the big spoon ecause it’s cute that you like i t ubtu if i don’t get no damnsnuggle s from you [or Orson Welles who is white you, but with ta;ents that aren’t peotry sporry you ikind of suck at most of the other things you do but i suck at music but we both rellally care about what we care about so it doesn’t matter] the n i want absolutey nothing giv e me nirvana there is nothing in thius world woth wnting
except kitties and snugglebuns ut damn
fucking damn if you are post0fuckingps-me-slut right now i’mm a uking kill her i am not kidding
i’ll make you regret everything ever
ever